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   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
  ~Noelie Altito

   My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
  ~Rita Rudner

   Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
  ~Douglas Adams

    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  ~Jokerz

   The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into
the office.
  ~Robert Frost

   I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
  ~Henry Youngman

   My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
  ~Eric Morecambe

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  ~J.B. Morton

    Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
  ~David Letterman

   When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  ~Sacha Guitry

   We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires.
  ~Nip

   Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  ~Robert Frost

   If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
  ~Linda Ellerbee

   Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
  ~

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  ~Groucho Marx

   On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present
  ~GrandPHA

   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  ~Paris Hilton

   I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  ~Funny Peopel

   Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
  ~Jim Carrey

   I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  ~Paul Merton

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If the World Series runs until election day, the networks will run the first one-half inning and project the winner

There are two ways to create happiness. The first is external. By obtaining better shelter, better clothes, and better friends, we can find a certain measure of happiness and satisfaction. The second is through mental development, which yields inner happiness.

The end of labor is to gain leisure

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses

No taxation without respiration

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.