When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
~Noelie Altito
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
~Rita Rudner
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
~Douglas Adams
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
~Jokerz
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into
the office.
~Robert Frost
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
~Henry Youngman
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
~Eric Morecambe
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
~J.B. Morton
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
~David Letterman
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~Sacha Guitry
We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires.
~Nip
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
~Robert Frost
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
~Linda Ellerbee
Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
~
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
~Groucho Marx
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present
~GrandPHA
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~Paris Hilton
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
~Funny Peopel
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
~Jim Carrey
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
~Paul Merton
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If the World Series runs until election day, the networks will run the first one-half inning and project the winner
There are two ways to create happiness. The first is external. By obtaining better shelter, better clothes, and better friends, we can find a certain measure of happiness and satisfaction. The second is through mental development, which yields inner happiness.
The end of labor is to gain leisure
A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses
No taxation without respiration